Give Yourself Some Grace.
Written by Jen - October 9, 2020
Artwork by our co-founder, Sarah
I was speaking with a close friend the other day and in the midst of her recounting the various struggles she was going through she all of a sudden became dejected mumbling “I just can’t win.” It was such a devastating sentiment. I looked at this woman surrounded by her pains and struggles and was struck by how diligently she worked to resolve each one. During our conversation she was recounting each scenario describing the complexities, backgrounds, and responsibilities of each person involved. She was insistent on over-internalizing her role in each one of the issues but desperately wanted validation, support, and a positive outcome. I was watching her struggle to find solutions and was saddened by the weight of the world visible in her face. After listening to her for some time, the thought that popped into my head was she is trying so hard.
I see this all the time. For many people, life is like a tornado whirling around us with enough force to lift us off the ground into chaos. Then we are up in the mess, trying to control the things that fly toward us while just managing to catch our breath. With all the things competing for our attention, we work intensely on attending to each one to meet our internalized standards for what we consider success, happiness, fulfillment, or just being a good person. We cope the best we can but don’t always manage to fit in an hour of meditation a day. Another competing aim. We then compound our frustrations by being disappointed in ourselves for watching too much TV, eating too much sugar, or being angry.
Artwork by Peter Rotter
Our internalized beliefs say that we need to be better than that. We shouldn’t need to yell, or cry. We shouldn’t need a break. We should be able to handle it all. So we push harder and harder to meet our expectations. We manage our feelings of inadequacy by working to become infallible, unmovable, and inhuman. This is not even to mention the unique and varied life histories we bring to our daily lives. Most of us are carrying around luggage containing all sorts of trauma, adversity, pressure, and pain brought along from our childhood. We have grown to cope the weight of this luggage by storing it on bottom the pile of things to cart around. We are scared about the future, anxious about the present, and taxed by our past. To put it simply, it’s a lot and most of us are still able to smile at the cashier at the grocery store.
She is trying so hard. As a therapist I have been witness to countless stories of struggle, pain, and hardship. What always sticks out to me most acutely about these stories is how incredibly resilient humans are and we still insist on criticizing ourselves. We are all trying so hard. We take all of the things thrown at us into the fold and keep on going. Don’t we just deserve some grace? Don’t we all deserve some forgiveness? Don’t we all deserve some patience? I posed this question to my friend by asking “don’t you think you deserve some grace?” She was stunned. Most people are. For most people this thought doesn’t even cross their mind. How can I give myself grace? Patience? Forgiveness? “I should be able to manage this.”
Most people automatically push against this idea thinking that it’s the opposite of what we are “supposed to do.” I frequently hear “my anxiety pushes me” or “If I do that, I will never get everything done!” My question back is usually, “how has that been working so far?” For some reason we have been infected with the idea that kindness towards ourselves will somehow end up with us lying on the living room floor all day, eating peanut butter out of the jar. I find that generally the effect is the opposite. When we give ourselves some grace such as more time, kind words, forgiveness for making a mistake, understanding that we are human, freedom to not be perfect, people typically have the space to thrive. We bind ourselves up into our unrealistic expectations and then are angry at ourselves for not fitting. Shouldn’t we be given some space? Well let’s untie the knots shall we.
Artwork by Nina Vandeweghe
This like any other change in our well-treaded thought paths this requires some practice. I encourage you, especially when things really get to be too much, to remind yourself to give yourself some grace. You can give yourself some grace in any way that feels right and the type can change based on the circumstance you are in. Do you feel like you haven’t accomplished enough in your life? Let yourself know you understand, life can be difficult, be patient with yourself and the timing of your life. Did you accidently hurt a friend’s feelings? Forgive yourself, it was a mistake, mistakes are human. Are you are tired, angry, burnt out? Give yourself some grace. Sometimes this can be done easily by picking short phrases to say to yourself such as “I forgive you,” “I understand,” or “It’s ok.” Whatever resonates with you is the right thing to use. If this doesn’t work right away, be patient with yourself. You are starting a journey of understanding and self-compassion, something most of us have never even began to pursue. It will take some time but it will be worthwhile to relieve some of the pressure of our overwhelming expectations. I promise you won’t end up in a peanut butter coma. You might actually find that the grace you give yourself is the beginning of living the life we are trying so hard to find.